I went to church today. Not unusual for a Sunday. As an adoptee, I always brace myself for the next offensive thing that is going to be said on days such as this. I'm a mother, so this day should be one to celebrate. Right?
As I sat in church, I was prepared for something to be said. Something about mothers who are waiting, barren wombs, etc. You know, general stuff about women who aren't mothers on a day set aside for mothers. Then it happened. There was a "spoken word" rhyming video (we go to a trying-to-be-hip church).
Barren women, wombs that are empty, arms that are empty, and the BLESSING of adoption and the GIFT of a baby. So I had to get up and go to the bathroom. My hands were shaking and they didn't stop through the rest of the service.
These are society's perception of adoption. Blessing, meant to be, gift, answered prayer.
These are not my perception of adoption as an out of the fog adoptee. And its ok for me to feel the way I feel. At 45 years old I can finally admit my true feelings about adoption. I wrote down several points while the preacher was still on stage, because I couldn't pay attention to anything else that was said. So here were my thoughts during the service.
First, this is society's belief about adoption. This is the pretty little ribbon wrapped box that society likes put things like adoption in. I was a gift, after all. Right? Unfortunately when we open the box and examine it for what it really is, the picture changes. We see a woman who is pregnant or just given birth to a baby. A real human baby with DNA tied to a family. We see a woman and her child who have bonded through a pregnancy. This baby knows the woman's voice. Knows the woman's smell. Knows the rhythm of the woman's body. Society accepts that its ok to take this baby away from this woman. The very lifeline of the baby. All the baby knows and all the baby wants. And the woman becomes a "birthmother". A name given to women to minimize the role she has played in another human coming into the world. The mother is gone. The baby is lost and afraid. Trauma is stamped on a human soul forever.
Second, for too long I have written off these hurtful things that people say and do as that people are unaware, insensitive, and uneducated. I've tried to start educating people when they offend. This is generally not accepted well. I get told, more often than not, that I don't know what I am talking about. Of course, how would I? Ive always lived with adoption. I've always been an adoptee. People don't want to be educated on adoptee trauma. And believe me it is trauma. When you unwrap the box and the pretty bow falls away, the raw truth of the pain and trauma involved in adoption is too much for so many people. Trauma is inflicted on the adoptee each time someone minimizes an adoptees self proclaimed truth.
Third. the adoption story is adoptive parent centric. The "triad" (I hate this term), is made up of the mother, the adoptive parents, and the adoptee. Society deems the adoptive parents as the most important part of the triad. The adoptive parents receive the gift. The child is so lucky to have been "chosen" by such a fine couple! What a blessing they are for that child! Why is this? These beliefs are at the very core of the adoption industry that is in full force in the US today.
Fourth. I don't see adoption as biblical. I don't see adoption as a tenant of the christian faith. I've heard this so much. This has made me want to give up my religion altogether. Its made me not go to church. Its made me dread church. I can't fathom that a God who is supposed to love me grew me in one woman's uterus only to be born, have the woman not be able to hold me, let me stay in care for 3 months before being adopted, have bonding problems with my "new" parents, have a lack of trust with others, have my trauma cause deep depression and have suicidal ideations each day of my life. I can't see how people think God would put the wrong baby in someone else's body. I can't put it together enough to connect God with those things. The pain of relinquishment and adoption is too great. Adoptees are over represented in contacts with mental health providers. We are more likely to have depression, anxiety, even ADHD. Adoptees are 4 times more likely to commit suicide than the average person. Let that sink in. Damage is done when the primal wound is given. Trauma inflicted by the church.
These are just a few points I wrote on the back of my "listening guide" at church. I've been wounded enough at church. I don't want to go back. I don't want more rainbow unicorn farts blasted in my face.
I will never be my true self, because my self split when I was adopted. I had to become someone else. I had to become the ghost child. The child that never was by a random couple who picked me up one day in November of 1972.
Here are just a few of the buzzwords I wrote down about MY adoptee truth-
Alone
Abandoned
No Self Worth
Not a gift
Not a blessing
REAL PERSON
Never fit in
Depression
Anxiety
Never enough
Not worthy
Sad
Deserved more
Always lonely
Unable to have relationships
Always hungry
Don't ask me to feel sorry for the barren womb women. Its not a mother and child's responsibility to have endless traumas inflicted upon themselves in order to fulfill some woman's dream. It wasn't my responsibility to be the answer to a prayer or a gift. I lost everything when that happened.
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