Failed Relationships Of An Adoptee

My life has been a long, tear stained trail of failed relationships.

My first failed relationship was with my Mother. This set the precedent. She didn't want me. She was forced to give me up, but when we met she told me she didn't want me. I was new. I was innocent. I was full of possibility. She didn't want me. Never wanted me.

The next failed relationship was with my adoptive parents. I couldn't be the ghost child. I couldn't be what I was supposed to be. I was, but wasn't. Do you know how hard it is to be a not real child?

The failures continued with friendships when I started school. I couldn't keep friends. I was weird. They told me I was weird. I was odd. I was quiet. I was different. Always different.

Then I hit the dating years. I was desperate. Desperate for love. For acceptance. For comfort. I gave myself away. Did what they wanted. Thought less and less of myself. Took abuse. Listened to lies about myself. Always them. Never me. Never me. Never me. I would give anything to tell that girl to go get help. Stop. Just stop.

Failure at marriage. I'm on number 3. First one was at 17. I was pregnant. He was mean. I was gullible. I was scared. So very scared. I was lonely. I'm lonely in a roomful of people. I was lonely in a room of 2. My baby was born with disabilities. He said it was my fault. Always my fault. Everything my fault. I loved my baby. I didn't love him. He never let me forget it was all my fault.

My second marriage was done out of depression and desperation to not feel the loneliness. Didn't help. Loneliness only increased. He lied about the sky being blue. He lied about money. Lied about mail. Lied about literally everything. I had my second baby. Another love. Another person I failed. He took her once. Took her away. I went back so she would be with me. That didn't last long. And of course it was all my fault. Always.

My third marriage is now. I'm a failure. Its a failure. I'm not leaving because society said I've left enough. I feel lost most days. I'm still lonely. I've accepted that when you start lonely, you stay lonely. I was alone and thats where my comfort point is. Alone.