Anger. Its something we have all experienced, right? This week on one of my favorite podcasts, Adoptees On, anger was the topic at hand. It was difficult. Difficult to listen to and difficult to hear.
Anger is a constant companion for me. It ebbs and flows but it never leaves me. I'm angry at my mother of origin and my father of origin. I'm angry at my adoptive parents. I'm angry at the adoption machine that drives the market for fresh, womb wet babies. I'm angry at my spouse, so angry. Most of all I am angry at myself. I'm angry that I could not mutate into the biological child that my adoptive parents couldn't have. You see I never could live up to that ghost child. The child that should have been. I'm angry because I was cheated out of authenticity. I have no way of knowing who I was supposed to be or could have been.
My anger causes me to have pain. Physical pain. My anger hides as passive aggressiveness and hinders deep relationships. My anger causes me to distance myself form most human contact. My anger floods over into road rage.
My anger comes when I am told I was lucky to be adopted. My birthmother loved me so much that she gave me away. People actually tel me I have no reason to feel the way I do about adoption. They tell me adoption is all about love and happiness. This is not reality.
I'm angry at the trauma. The trauma that occurred when I was relinquished by my mother. The trauma from living for the first 3 months of my life with no one to truly care for me. I'm angry at the trauma of living with a family with whom I just did not fit. The trauma of childhood abuse. The trauma of adult abuse. The trauma led to problems that manifested as ADHD, Anxiety, Low Self Esteem, and Social Anxiety- just to name a few.
I'm angry at being damaged property. The almost good enough child and adult.
I've started this journey to help myself. I've started this journey to talk about myself and find a way to move forward.
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